Conventions of British TV Mysteries

We like British mysteries in this house – both in literature and tv, although I should write telly when talking about British … um … telly. As much as Sue and I like British mysteries, and we most certainly do, there seem to be guideless that the writers and producers follow when making them. Sometimes, they get tiresome because they are so predictable and even silly. 

The British mystery guidelines of which I write are the ones that I am sure the writers follow and use relentlessly.

1. Almost without fail, every series must leave the friendly shores of home at least once to solve crimes in other countries or even continents. I think it has happened four times in our current series – Silent Witness. Mind you this is over 13 seasons. It is an excellent series, but we groan when we realize that the episode is taking us abroad because those episodes never seem to be as satisfactory to us.

It is true that American series go AWOL too but America is such a huge country that the heroes usually just go to a different state where the culture and language are not totally different. However, the American series, Bones, that we also watched recently, did go to England for one episode. There they took over from the hapless Brits and solved crimes while the local police stood by and watched the Yankee heroes show them how it is done.

Quite a long time ago, there was an episode of Criminal Minds that crossed the border into Canada, supposedly to a location perhaps 10 miles downriver from where we were living at the time. While we knew that area to be farmland, in the program it became backwoods, bushland. Canada: you know – full of forests, eh. At least they didn’t show any moose.

2. In many series, the protagonist becomes under suspicion and must work like the dickens against all odds to exonerate themselves. I don’t love those episodes, but I sigh and watch regardless.

3. There will be frequent foot chases. Americans love car chases, but Brits love foot chases. For example: Inspector Frost, an older man, hotly pursued many perpetrators who foolishly tried to flee. The chase seemed to be the climax of many a Frost episode.

4. Speaking of foot chases, countless times, police going into a house will result in flight and a chase, and they seldom think to cover the back door.

5. When the cops walk up to a suspect on the street, they always call out his name when they are far enough away for the subject to bolt. They never learn to get within grabbing distance before they announce their presence.

6. Guns are not such a staple in British telly, but when they are drawn, it seems to be most often that the criminals will be aiming their weapon at a vulnerable victim while the police are aiming at the suspect. The officer will always meekly put his or her weapon down when they could have just pulled the trigger.

7. When a captive escapes their abductor, the car that they flag down will always belong to the evil person who captured them in the first place.

8. In other situations, the fleeing victim will always run down the centre of the road so that they can either be run over or captured with ease. They must not be permitted to have the presence of mind to dodge or head off into the trees or fields.

9. In a foot chase involving the pursuit by a criminal of a victim, the doomed victim must always always trip and fall. This must occur whether the chase in in the woods or in a house.  Falling on the stairs is particularly favoured.

10. When there is a noise in the house or possibly in the bushes, the unwitting subject must always go to investigate on their own. She, for it is most often is a woman, must not think to step out of the house to call for help. No no. She  must proceed into the unknown letting her presence be known with loud, "Who's there?" calls so the perpetrator can know exactly where she is. 

11. When victims are told to get into a car with the perp and then told to drive somewhere, they always oblige. Apparently, they have never heard of the advice to never go to a second location. Once they are in the car, it is certain that will never bother to deliberately cause the car to crash although accidents are allowed to happen by accident, as it were.

12. Most series will involve gypsies/travellers at least once, preferably adjacent to an amusement park.

13. One episode must involve smuggled immigrants who must work to pay off their debts, and you know the gender of most of whom I speak and  what kind of work they are mostly required to perform.  

14. Although it is not a rule, protagonists are allowed to meet untimely ends. Offhand, I can think of this happening in George Gently, Silent Witness, Waking the Dead, and Cracker. It is not always the main character although it can be, but it can be an important good guy character. You just never know if and when this might occur.

15. The final point is de rigueur but not in a bad way. It is tea. There must be tea, lots of it, and very very sweet tea when a trauma has occurred.

British mysteries are pretty darn good and, in my opinion. for the most part much better than what  we produce over here. But I have watched enough of them that I have become aware of the standard devices. Some of them bother me, especially the foreign adventures. I don't really mind some of the foot chases although they can be overdone. Others such as tea, gypsies, or enforced immigrant labour are not generally a problem, especially the tea.

Oh ... I have thought of one more.

16. A single evildoer will be able to effectively tie-up whomever he has managed to capture. In record time too. They never show us how this feat is managed. The phenomenal dexterity completed within minutes is almost magical. I wish we could see it unfold.

Darn  . . . another habitually used device came to mind but quickly left the premises (of my brain) while I was finishing the previous point. I hate it when that happens. And it happens a lot. Sigh.

Now I have it . . . many minutes later.

18. When the heroic detectives realize that someone is in danger, they will rush to he scene which may be somewhere across London. They never contact the local police. When I say never, they sometimes do, but always, somewhat miraculously, arrive for the climax before the local police arrive.

19. Oh ... and surely this is the last one ... when someone is waiting for help, whether medical or police, it must very often take an interminable amount of time.

20. And . . . one more. When someone is in grave danger and desperately requires help, the phone won't work. Either the battery will die or they will be in a dead spot. How there can be so many dead spots in such a small geographical and populated area as the British Isles is beyond me.

OK. I am done. Even if I have more, unlike John Donne, I am done.