Monday, September 06, 2021

i cannot follow the instructions for putting on underwear

Do you even know how to put on underwear? If you are like me, you probably don't. At least you probably cannot follow the proper instructions. 

Curious? Follow along for the backstory.

Sue was texting with her sister, Heather, on Friday evening when this popped up. I swear that I am not making any of this up, and we have proof (later. below) that Heather wasn't telling porkies although she does author fiction and can tell a good yarn. This, however, is not one of those yarns.
(Heather) Okay, go pee before you read this. I ordered a pair of underpants from Amazon. They came with instructions on how to put them on: 1. Bundle the waist and pull it to the groin. 2. Insert the hips and pull up to the bottom of the navel. 3. Lift your hips, place your hands in your shorts, and put them in your hip pocket. 4. Pull it up until the navel is hidden at the end.

Oh, and they said, Thank you.
(Sue) Oh my dear, that is too funny.  What kind of pants did you order?????
Just a plain black pair with tummy control. I've managed to put them on all by myself for years

I'm now stuck on the third step. It's like a game of twister.
Too funny
Easy for you to laugh. Your hands aren't in your shorts searching for your hip pocket

Sue handed me her laptop to let me read what she was finding so hysterical before continuing texting with Heather.

I just handed the laptop to John to read the instructions and the puzzled look on his face was hysterical. I think he will probably want to blog this.

He's welcome to it. It's just so funny

To think all these years we've managed to put our underpants on without written instructions

Well, I need a rest after these gymnastics. I'm off to bed 

Just a little later.
I just rechecked and what I wrote is exactly what it says. I'm laughing out loud again.
As proof  that this is genuine.

Subsequently, Heather posted this to add to the mirth.
Like Ikea for underpants         I admit that the ad offered 'tummy control' which for me was a big selling point but I had no idea that bladder control would be an issue. I peed my pants laughing       I'm afraid to put them on because I'd have to reverse the instructions
Sue subsequently posted the following online for the benefit of her friends along with the instructions image. She repeats what Heather had written to her.
Now I have seen everything.  The order just arrived for underpants.  They came with instructions.  Yes, instructions.  Who knew that I had been doing it wrong all these years.  Number 3 really has me puzzled.  I don't know how to find my hip pocket while my hands are inside my shorts, while putting on my underpants.   I think I'll keep doing it the old way.

Then Sue commented on my reaction when I was reading it and trying to make sense of it. I think this may have been the funniest part for Sue. 

I must admit that these instructions had me in gales of laughter, but just seeing the puzzled look on John's face when I showed him the instruction, sent me into even more fits of laughter.

I have probably done it wrong my whole life, but then I am not sure because I am still overly perplexed by the instructions. Although I am still working on #2 — inserting the hips — it is #3 where I completely lose my way.

3. Lift your hips, place your hands in your shorts, and put them in your hip pocket.

Perhaps my problem is that I wear underwear that doesn't have hip pockets. However, if your underwear comes with such accessories, it probably all makes sense to you.

But from where would you obtain such a garment?


Patio Postcards said...

Very funny ... I have no idea what or where my hip pockets are. After reading these instructions I've had thoughts of going commando !!!

Mind you, in today's world we have to tell people not to eat detergent pods, not drink battery fluid in the their car & that a coffee or tea from Tim's is probably hot ... I'll say no more.

Marie Smith said...

Could be briefer!

DJan said...

This is truly hilarious, so thanks for making my morning so much more fun! Hahahaha!

Jenn Jilks said...

Isn't it important to find laughter where we can. We had a bad week last week.
This is fun.
I was thinking about putting on my panties this morning, as I nearly fell over. Bursitis in my right hip. So much fun! ppfftt

Vicki Lane said...

Too hilarious! Thanks to all of you for sharing!

Barbara Rogers said...

What a hoot! I imagined the hands with hip pockets and kept laughing away! How about jeans? I still do a shake about, then sometimes lie down to zip them.

Debby said...

This is funny stuff. I am amazed that I've managed to put my underwear on by myself for 60+ years now. My question: I don't have hip pockets until I put on my jeans. So...are these underwear actually overwear?

Marcia said...

That is a gem! I think the problem was caused by who translated the instructions. Though you have to wonder why anyone needs instructions for putting on panties?

gigi-hawaii said...

I guess women must seem pretty stupid when it comes to putting on underwear. LOL. Those are nice birthday gifts you got - shown in your previous post. Again, happy birthday! Another year older, another year wiser.

Margaret said...

This is quite eye opening! (and very funny) I wish my German were good enough to figure out how accurate the translation is. But still..that many instructions for putting on underwear?

Tabor said...

As long as we keep buying products from outside the U.S. and allow lawyers to write copy, this is what to expect.

Heather said...

There is no one on this planet that I have laughed more with than my spectacular sister.

And, I am happy to report that I have mastered both the putting on and taking off of said underpants.

Mage said...

I had a 1966 Datsun. The instructions for this car were much like these.

MARY G said...


William Kendall said...

Hip pockets?

Instructions for putting on underwear?

DrumMajor said...

This is cute. I swear I put my feet and legs in first, not my hips. And I reach to the sides to get the back up, not the imaginary hip pocket. It implies to put both hips in at the same time!
My first hubby wore a brace on one leg in his formative years. As an adult, he STILL put his pants or jeans on in a most unusual way because of the history with the brace: Laid on his back on the bed, and put both pantlegs over both of his feet, and pulled the waist up over his legs at the same time, then stood up to zip up.
Not sure he could have used these instructions! Cheers, Linda in Kansas

Joanne Noragon said...

That fellow has a serious outtie to cover, didja notice?

Rita said...

Good lord! Hip pockets! These are the craziest, most confusing instructions! I'm afraid I'd end up having to go commando--ROFL! :)

The Furry Gnome said...

That's the best I've heard in a long time!

Red said...

somebody in the under pant dept. Has a serious deficit in language! It looks like someone is a little week in translations skills. But it is funny!

David M. Gascoigne, said...

What happens if you don't have a hip pocket? I must be a genius, I have just concluded that. I put my underwear on today without instructions, successfully and they feel snug and comfortable. How great is that? Must deserve a Nobel prize.

Kay said...

I wonder what kind of instructions they'd give for putting on a bra.