Thursday, July 02, 2009

Council Letters

I must fess up to filching this from ChrisB at MsCellania, but I can't help myself. I thought it was the funniest thing I have come across in a long time. I don't know when I last had an endorphin release like that.

Letters to the council

Some of this is nearly English: Sentences in letters written to councils in the UK

1.. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow

2.. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3.. I wish to complain that my father burnt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage..

4.. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5.. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6..My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7.. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8.. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9.. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10.. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are Plain filthy.

11.. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12.. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is Cleared.

13..Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14..Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15..I want to complain about the farmer across the road.. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16..The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17..Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third So please send someone round to do something about it.

18..I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19..Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20.. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21.. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22.. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23..He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.


Woman in a Window said...

OHMYGOD! I can't pick just one because as it goes the next is even funnier. Ohhh. What a fun way to start my day. Thanks! er, cheers!

Anonymous said...

I loved it. Sure helped wake me up at 7:00 this a.m. Glad you shared that.

Donna said...

I like #17...Hahaa...hughugs

karla said...

AC, I just woke Nate up trying to stifle my Laugh out Loud giggles. TOO FUNNY.

KGMom said...

Sadly, some of these sentences remind me of freshmen college writing.

Anonymous said...

I've been laughing at these all week! They are so funny. The images I get of banging balls against the fence! *rolls eyes*
I usually send a few jokes on e-mail to friends... if you leave a comment on my blog I will get your address and add you to my list! (I can't promise they'll always be as funny as this though!)

Ginnie said...

Well, AC, I learn something about you every day. I would never have thought that "potty humor" was your forte. Have to admit they are pretty funny, though.!

Mary said...


I've seen examples of these before and you've chosen some very good ones.

Hope you had a drier Canada Day than we did. I have a amll flag that I leave out all year round.


Judy said...

Oooooh, TOO TOO funny!

I soooo needed to laugh tonight!

Tossing Pebbles in the Stream said...

Very funny fractured English. Makes you wonder how some people's minds work.

Barry said...

I laughed til it hurt and I'm laughing still!

OMG that was so funny!!

Thanks for posting. I needed that!

Linda said...

It was great to listen to Barry laughing out loud. They were very funny complaints. Thank you so much for sharing.

Natalie said...

Hee,hee,hee! Too funny! Thanks. :D

Anonymous said...

too funny! Thanks for my morning chuckle. :-)

Pearl said...

lol. I haven't seen those before. ay, with English it's a wonder we can understand each other at all.

Shammickite said...

Absolutely hilarious!

jinksy said...

Just proves you can't beat English like wot it is spoke... or rather, writ...

ChrisB said...

Glad to see you are passing on the laughs :)

Janet said...

#2 and 5 nearly killed me and it went from there. WHAT these people are thinking!!!! It might be worth it to work in that job just to get to read these. Wait. Never mind, probably not.