Monday, May 10, 2010

The Crying Game

I am here to report that I have certain issues with the forebears who are most responsible for my sometimes unfortunate genetic heritage.

Not only do I have a hearing loss (for which I blame my dad and his) as reported here recently, but there are a host of other issues that I don't exactly appreciate. Now, I assure you that my purpose today is not to chronicle every single one of said issues, for the simple reason that I must work within the constraints of a not-too-lengthy blog post as opposed to a ten volume serial on The Life and Times of AC and His Many Bodily Issues. However, I do wish to share with you my latest affliction.

For the past ten years, perhaps a few more, I have enjoyed (as if) a relationship with Blepharitis, more commonly referred to as Dry Eye (for which I blame my Mom and hers). Essentially, this condition causes one to produce tears because normal mechanisms don't keep the eye sufficiently moist. I know it sounds odd to produce an excessive amount of moisture because you are not producing enough moisture, but that's essentially what it seems to come down to. Well, that's my unscientific analysis and explanation anyway.

Fortunately, I have been able to keep the tearing under control by applying eye drops in the morning. After waking up with dry and crusty eyes, a few drops are all that I need to get things working more or less as they should. Until about two months ago, that is.

At that time, behold mine eyes dideth commence to watering copiously, and nothing could seem to stem the flow of tears coursing down my face. My doctor sent me to my optometrist who possesses the necessary type of instruments for a up close and personal look at what is going on. In the event, my optometrist has passed my file onto a plastic surgeon ophthalmologist. Let me clarify: she has referred me to such an ophthalmologist, and informs me that with luck I might hear back from him and have a consult with said fine doctor before my earthly days have run their course: or not. Apparently, you see, there are so many needy eyes and so few available specialists that one could possibly expire before being granted an appointment, for as reported in this space recently, I only have until August 2028 to get this done.

My difficulty, as my optometrist explains it, is that my tear ducts have shifted so that they can longer do what we all take for granted: drain the moisture from my eyes. Without that accommodation the moisture builds up until it is forced to simply spill over and run down my face in the form of tears. (For this condition, I blame my bachelor uncle in Singapore and his maiden aunt in Beijing.) Hence, I have taken to carrying a crying rag with me everywhere I go — or so I attempt to do, but I am prone to continually misplacing the thing.) They are rags too: just pieces of soft cloth from discarded clothing, but better than tissues that become ratty and linty in no time flat. If I ever track down real hankies (is there such a thing anymore?), I may purchase some, but these crying rags will have to do until then.

The picture shows what I am now forced to do every few minutes — if I am lucky, because keeping track on that dad-blasted crying rag is easier said than done.

Some people are bestowed with Cadillac bodies, but my progenitors have conspired to gift me with all of their worst parts to the point where my body is more the equivalent of a rusty 1970s Ford. Sigh.

Excuse me. I must dab my drippy eyes.

Oh for crying out loud, where did I put that %&^$ rag?!


Bernie said...

Oh you poor thing, I would imagine this to be very annoying....but you will live my friend. I have visions of you wearing a bib and talking to cuppa in sign language as she types your blog for you. LOL
Have a great Tuesday....:-) Hugs

Holly, the Old Western Gal said...

Aw, my hubby has that, too. Did they tell you it's because you lack the mucus layer of yer tears? Almost always, if you have the kind of dry eye that has the running tears, it means you lack the mucus layer. The good news is that you can likely get *some* relief from the Vaseline-type eye lubricant they sell over the counter. The bad news is that you need a salivary gland transplanted into your eye area and only the Cleveland Clinic does that. I have dry eye with the opposite problem -- no tear layer. Very painful.

Barry said...

Oh, if we had only had the good sense to choose better forebearers!

It sounds like an embarrassing condition as well with the possibility of people assuming something they said has brought you to tears?

Diana said...

Everything seems to "Shift" as we age. And I do know what an irritant this can be. I once had a clogged tear duct which like you, produced excess tears. Fortunately they were able to unclog it with a very long and skinny needle filled with some sort of liquid. They put it in the tear duct and slowly pushed the liquid through until I could feel it draining in my throat. I thought that odd but thats where the tears drain. After that I was fine. And No, it didn't hurt at all. Too bad they can't do that for you AC I know how irritating this is.
Love Di ♥
P.S. I commented earlier and it disappeared so this may be a second comment if the other shows up!

Anvilcloud said...

We're losing comments today. As received in my mail, Barry commented but it isn't here. And apparently Diana had to try twice.

Yes Barry, people do sometimes wonder what's going on when I bring out the crying rag.

Anvilcloud said...

Oh, Barry's comment is up there now. Go figure.

Ginnie said...

I have the same condition, AC., altho it's not as advanced (lucky me!) but I use the drops and am continually telling people that I am not sad.

Anvilcloud said...

I went for a music lesson, and my teacher wondered if I was getting emotional about the music. :)

Anonymous said...

Is that what the movie "The Crying Game" is about? Never did see it but it came to mine when I saw your picture. Sorry for that issue you have to deal with. We all have something. If I ever get to meet you and Cuppa I will at least know what is going on.

Mara said...

Are you saying they don't have proper cloth handkerchiefs in Canada? Wow! I have to stock up before coming over I think.

(PS: if you want some, name the colour, the size and the design and I will be happy to send you some!)

Donna said...

Ut Oooh! Well, Holly's response sounds spot on!
We have hankies here to if you need some!
Just tell inquiring minds to...never mind...just cry Loudly.

Seriously though, I imagine that would be bothersome after a while...but I don't think I'd want the transplant glands...Sorry!

KGMom said...

"For crying out loud..." -- that's an appropriate remark.

Kila said...

LOL, I enjoy your writings.

Maybe I can use that malady as my excuse, as I cry far too often these days...

Your grandbabies will be quite concerned about why Grandpa is crying!

Hope you get in to that specialist by August 2010 instead of August 2028.